Sweating Icicles

Forget about global warming...this is how my morning has gone:

• 3:30am - wake up sweating because the thermostat resets to 85 when the power goes off.
• 5:15am - alarm quite rudely interrupts my slumber...now I'm freezing and have cocooned myself in my fleece monkey blanket...don't make me get up.
• 6:10am - teach spin class in the 3rd level of Gehenna -- it's 400° in the room and now we have to pedal UPHILL!
• 7:00am - drenched in sweat...time to hit the shower...last rinse-off with cool water in an attempt to lower body temperature.
• 7:30am - previous attempt failed...even with 2 fans blowing on me, I'm sweating like the Friday night speaker at VA Campmeeting.
• 7:40am - finally get my hair dried and "fixed", makeup on, time to head to my office. Sunnuvagrunt! I let Nancy take my car home, so now I have to hoof it across campus...in heels...schlepping my gym bag, spin shoes, laptop and purse...in about 85% humidity.
• 7:45am - plop down at my desk and pray that the A/C kicks on soon before I sweat to death....why did I even bother blow-drying my hair??
• 8:00am - still blotting my face and neck with the hand towel I swiped from the Rec Center.(I will return it...sheesh!)  Seriously...all I need is a polyester suit and someone on a B-3 and we could have CHURCH up in here.
• 8:15am - finally, the A/C has come on and my face is no longer melting down my neck.
• 8:25am - A/C is freezing me to blueness...turn on my space heater and wrap myself around a steamy cup of coffee in hopes of thawing out.

It's a wonder I don't have pneumonia.  I can hardly wait until I start having hot flashes...

Fly, Dummy, Fly

I am a singer.  (If this is news to you, then I am clearly a complete stranger to you.  Nice to meet you.)  While sight reading is one of my stronger talents, I positively loathe reading a new chart in front of an audience.  But, from time to time, a DeeVah's gotta do what a DeeVah's gotta do.  Last night was one of those times...sorta.  It was actually just at a rehearsal.  (But, I had a microphone...which means people could HEAR me!)

The song was an Alicia Keys tune entitled, "If I Ain't Got You", with which I was only vaguely familiar.  (In my world of music, I call it 'karaoke knowing' a song.  You know....when you just kind of hum along and bob your head until you get to the part that everyone knows, and then you sing that at the top of your lungs while making your best rockstar face.)  In fact, I didn't recognize the song at all until the chorus...and, even then, I realized I only actually knew the first line, "Some people want it all, but I don't want nothin' at all..."  <Insert rockstar face here>  From there on, I was flailing...eyes glued to the notes while trying to grab the lyrics in my peripheral vision...and I was hating it.  I'm the DeeVah.  I should know this song!  And, let's face it...attempting to chart out the actual notes & rhythms that Alicia actually sings is likely to yield about 70% accuracy, at best.  (Needless to say, what I was singing wasn't even that accurate.)  My main focus was on the notes, but I didn't know the lyrics, either...so, I just read what was written and tried not to judge Ms. Keys for writing the most ridiculous lyrics I had ever seen.  According to my chart, the chorus read thusly:

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothin' at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want dummy wings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you.

Wait.  Some people want dummy wings?  What the huh??  What are dummy wings?  And, why would someone want them?  I was bewildered, but too busy trying to learn the blasted song to worry about how utterly stupid that sounded, so I just cringed my way through it.  Until midway through the 2nd chorus on our 2nd run-through...when it dawned on me...it should have read "diamond rings".  Some people want diamond rings.  Yes.  That's more like it.

And then I laughed.  For the rest of the song, I laughed.

You see, the chart was arranged and transcribed by someone named Jesper Riis, whom I believe is Danish.  And I suspect that Mr. Riis does not speak English very well.  It appears to me that he just listened to Alicia sing the song, and then wrote down what he heard her say...or, what he thought she said.  And, he thought she said "dummy wings".  Dummy.  Wings.

On my drive to work this morning, as I was singing along with Ms. Keys on my iPhone, I smiled when I got to that line and giggled at the idea that I could possibly have sung those words, had I not realized the mistake.  Then I began to question what Mr. Riis may have thought that line meant when he wrote it.  How would that concept translate in the context of the song?  Why would some people want dummy wings in relation to things like fortune, fame, roses, and other desirable possessions?  What, exactly, are they?  And, if I had a pair of dummy wings, what would I do with them?

The answer was almost immediate:  They are wings...for dummies.  And, I would give them to some dummy in my life and tell them to fly away from me.

Wouldn't that be a valuable thing to have?  A pair of dummy wings that you could just slap onto the back of some idiot who makes your life less-than-fabulous and then shove them off of a high ledge or cliff.  Whether or not they had enough sense to flap them and actually fly away rather than crash into a worthless heap of stupidity would be completely up to them.  Either way, they'd be out of your life.  You'd could even wave and smile as they flew away while you celebrated the fact that you were free of the dummy for good.

I think I'm going to need more than one pair.

And, I'm glad Mr. Riis didn't write "dummy boomerangs".

The Unicorn

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who dreamed of someday having a unicorn. The little girl had always wanted a unicorn. (Who doesn't want a unicorn?) All her life, she wondered what it would be like to have a unicorn of her own...a strong, beautiful, magical unicorn...yes, that would make her life so fantastic! She spent countless hours imagining the fun they would have, dancing in meadows, playing on beaches, galloping through forests...oh, what a happy little girl she would be if she could just find her unicorn. "Surely," she mused, "my unicorn is out there somewhere...and I shall find him!"  And, so she searched.

In another village, across the river, there lived a jackass.  The jackass had always dreamed of someday being a unicorn.  He so wanted to be a unicorn. (Who doesn't want to be a unicorn?) All his life, he wondered what it would be like to be a unicorn...a strong, beautiful, magical unicorn...yes, that would make his life so fantastic!  He spent countless hours imagining the fun he would have, frolicking in meadows, playing on beaches, galloping through forests...all the while, hearing the villagers cry, "Oh! Look at the beautiful unicorn!"

One day, the jackass had a wonderful idea. "Say, why not make myself into a unicorn? Surely, it cannot be terribly difficult." So, the jackass began to dig through the garbage behind a local ice cream shop where he found a discarded waffle cone. "Voila!" he shouted as he tucked his long, floppy ears into his curly mane and promptly affixed the waffle cone to his forehead.  Then, the jackass doused himself with white paint and a sprinkling of glitter. "Behold!" he cried. "I am a unicorn, indeed!" and he began to prance about the shores of the river singing and dancing and looking very much like a unicorn.  And the villagers noticed him.

"Look at the unicorn!" they cheered. "He is such a handsome unicorn...we love the unicorn...we cannot get enough of him!" And the people began to follow the unicorn everywhere he went, hoping for the opportunity to meet the unicorn...to speak to him...perhaps, even, to touch him.  The unicorn loved their attention, so he began to do tricks for them. He pranced on his hind legs, waving his front hooves in the air; he sang songs about rainbows and sparkly things; he smiled and winked at the pretty girls, and high-hoofed the men...and the villagers adored him. They put him on stages to do his tricks and he became so popular that they eventually put him on television. After all, he was an extraordinary unicorn.

One day, the little girl saw the unicorn on television. "Oh! Look!" she squealed.  "It's a unicorn! A real, live unicorn! I must find him!"  And, she immediately went searching for the unicorn. She traveled to many villages wondering where she could catch a glimpse of this magnificent creature. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of searching, she found him. There he was...in all his unicornial glory...dancing, singing, prancing on the shore of the river. And her heart leapt in her chest. "Oh, he is beautiful," she thought. "But, he will never notice me. I am a mere mortal...just a girl...I'm not a unicorn." And so, she simply stood and admired him from a distance.

Until, suddenly, the unicorn noticed the girl. "Say...that girl is lovely," he thought. "Why haven't I noticed her before? I must make myself known to her. I always smile and wink at the pretty girls." And so, he smiled and winked at the girl.  And she swooned a little.  "He noticed me! The unicorn sees me!" And she smiled and waved to him.

Before long, the little girl and the unicorn had become friends. They would go for long walks and talk about everything from rainbows and sparkly things to religion and politics. And they laughed. They laughed, and they played. They frolicked in meadows, they played on beaches, they galloped through forests...oh what fun they had!

But then, it began to rain. Only lightly at first. Just a few sprinkles. The unicorn became a little agitated, which surprised the little girl. "It's okay, unicorn...it's just a little rain," she whispered as she stroked his curly mane. "Wait...what is this?" The little girl looked at her hand and saw that it was covered in a sparkly, white residue. "How odd," she thought to herself...but, she shrugged and pretended not to notice.

After a few minutes, as the rain continued, the inevitable started to happen. The unicorn's white paint began to wash away in a few spots.  "Hmm...," thought the little girl. "My unicorn looks a little bit like a jackass." But, she pretended not to notice and continued to play with the unicorn.

As they frolicked, however, the glue on the waffle cone began to lose it's stickiness and the cone started to slip.  "Hmm...," thought the little girl. "That unicorn looks a lot like a jackass!" And she frowned a little...because, she didn't like jackasses very much. But, she so wanted her unicorn to be a unicorn, so she pretended not to notice.

Just then, the rain came down hard. The unicorn panicked and began to snort and buck, which caused the waffle cone to completely fall off...and his long ears unfurled from beneath his curly mane.  All of the white paint and glitter washed to the ground and he stood there...completely exposed.

And the little girl looked at him, folded her arms, and sighed, "I knew it. He really is just a jackass."  So she shook her head in disgust and walked home.

And she lived happily ever after.

The moral of this story:  Focus on what is real. If you are looking for a unicorn, you will not find one.  They do not exist.  They are all just jackasses.  Jackasses with waffle cones stuck to their heads.

The Writing on the Wall

Out of sheer boredom this morning, I read an article entitled "Is He or She the One? 10 Things to Consider." Let me just state, for the record, that there is no specific HE (or SHE, for that matter!) in my life...nor do I believe in "the one" (but that's another blog)...I was just interested in seeing what the writers for an online dating service had to say on the topic.  After all, they are the experts, no?

Most of the points were pretty superficial, in my opinion. Not to say they weren't valid...I just think they were no-brainers.  Things like "they know what makes you happy" or "you have mutual respect for each other" topped the list of things that I believe anyone would nod their head to.  But, there was one that stood out to me as a little hard to swallow, but so very true.  Are you ready for this?

The Writing is on the Wall:

It is so disappointing when we find someone -- and our friends and family are lukewarm in their reception of them at best. When the people who know you best are in complete support of your relationship, they will let you know. And you will likely know that this person is very good for you... and may be "the one."

Ouch.  How many times have I felt as though my friends and family were 'picking on' me...or my someone special...because they didn't seem to support the relationship. And how often have I  allowed my righteous indignation to kick in? How dare they not trust my judgment? How dare they not see how wonderful this person is? How dare they not want me to be happy?!?

Of course, right off the bat, I realize that there is something about him that they don't like or approve of. And, of course, my first reaction is to defend him with all of the tenacity of a Doberman Pinscher. "You don't know him like I know him!"  True. They probably do not. Perhaps they "know" him from a completely objective standpoint and recognize things that my love-goggles have filtered out.

More importantly, however, is that most of them do know...and love...ME.  And what they are really looking at is how *I* am when I am with him.  Am I truly happy? Am I fulfilled? Am I at my best? Or am I compromising the very things that make me the person that they know and love just to please this other person?  You see, the truth is, our loved ones want nothing more than for us to be happy.  They do want what is best for us. Granted, they may err on the side of caution and may be more critical than others.  But, they often see what we do not...or what we choose to overlook.  When we are "in love" (yet another blog topic...stay tuned), we see exactly what we want to see.  And, even when we recognize what others have pointed out, we find a way to justify the issue(s). After all, isn't that what true love does? (Don't even get me started...)

Okay, too late...I've already gotten started.  Love is not about making excuses for someone.  Yes, love is forgiving and kind and longsuffering and all that wonderful stuff...but, when one person is doing all of the forgiving and suffering, perhaps it's time to step back and gain some perspective. Listening to what others observe is a great way to get that. I am reminded of a painfully awkward moment a few years back when I was having lunch with some co-workers...all men, incidentally, whose opinions and approval meant an awful lot to me.  During the general conversation, I mentioned something about the man I was dating at the time...and a hush fell over the table. Everyone dropped their gaze and began focusing on their lunches with intense fervor. "What," I asked.  "You don't like my boyfriend?!?" A few moments of awkward silence hovered over the table before my boss put his arm around me and lovingly said, "Mel, it's not that we don't like him.  He just doesn't adore you the way we do."

Sledgehammer. to. the. chest.

I remember going to my mom's that evening and sitting next to her, sobbing, "My boss adores me and my boyfriend doesn't! What's wrong with that picture?!?"  How was I the last one to notice?  Oh, sure, I could have laughed at them and denied it all by claiming they "just don't know him the way I do"...but, I would have been lying to them. And to myself.  The truth of the matter is, if he adored me, everyone would have been able to see that, and especially those closest to me!  Those men had nothing to gain by telling me that.  They were just calling it like they saw it.  And, had I allowed myself to be completely honest, I would have admitted that I knew they were right.

I confess, I did not end the relationship right away.  I pushed through for several months, convinced that if I stuck it out long enough, he'd come to his senses and realize that he did adore me!  He didn't.  But, I'm not bitter.

Not much. ;)

Actually, I only harbored bitterness toward myself for settling for a relationship that was not what it should have been.  And, sadly, it was neither the first nor the last of such relationships. Why do we allow ourselves to become so emotionally entangled in a person that we accept sub-par treatment? And before you get all huffy with me, just cool your jets for a second and hear me out.  I know there are some who are reading this who just threw your hands on your hips and said, "It's not like that! I know he/she is capable of treating me the way I want."  I know this, because I've said it. I have literally waited years for some people to show me the love and affection that I knew they were capable of. Why? Because they used to adore me. They used to make me feel good about myself.  They used to....

The difficult pill to swallow was this: if they are not doing it now, they are not going to do it. Why would someone, if they truly care for you, put off treating you the way you want when they could be doing it now? I hated the moment I came to that realization. HATED IT, I tell you! But, it was true. And the worst part was, everyone else knew it before I got it.  I should have listened. But, I was too determined. Too tenacious. Too convinced that I knew what I was doing.

Allow me to back-pedal just a smidge and say that some people in our lives are just going to doubt us and criticize everything we do.  I am not suggesting that we should listen to those individuals. In fact, I suggest you remove them from your circle of influence as much as is humanly (and legally) possible. Likewise, be careful not to surround yourself with those who only say what you want to hear. They will do little more than cause emotional atrophy. However, pay attention to what the 'multitudes' are telling you, even when (especially when!) it is not what you want to hear. That's when your soul will be tested the most. If you can stomach the truth, you'll be stronger for it. And, if you are wise enough (I'm talking to YOU, Willetts!) to actually listen and acknowledge the very possible reality of what they are saying, you will ultimately be happier.

Happy....hmm....yet another BTC (blog to come).

~ DeeVah